Stopping Misbehavior Easier Than You Might Think

A mom once asked me for help with a situation involving her two boys, ages 5 and 7. She said they were constantly fighting at the morning breakfast table. She wanted a quick-fix solution to the problem because it was driving her crazy. As in all instances when I am asked about behavior situations, I need more information about what was going on just before and during the problem. This additional information helps me assess what may be causing the problem and come up with possible solutions. I asked mom what she is usually doing at the time of the fighting and she told me that she is scurrying around to get lunches made and the house picked up before they leave for the day. She admitted she is likely to be barking orders and making demands on the boys out of frustration for always running late. We can all relate. My solution for her… sit down with the boys at the table, set a timer for 10 minutes, and for her not to talk, just listen. She thought it was the dumbest idea she had ever heard and told me she expected a more profound solution from me. I was concerned that she wasn’t willing to give this a try and that her situation at home with the boys would get worse. Within two weeks she contacted me to let me know that in fact, it did work! The fighting had changed just to teasing but the atmosphere was more relaxed.

Sometimes our children act out as a way of saying to the parent(s) “I’m feeling disconnected from you mom and/or dad!” We all look for that confirmation occasionally that the ones who love us are still there and connected. Children don’t usually know how to approach the parent and say “Hey, can you slow down a bit and notice me now and then? And can you do it by just listening?” They tell us this by acting out, becoming uncooperative, and misbehaving.

ACTION ITEMS:
• Once a day, give your young child 10 minutes of your full attention and time. Set a timer if you have to and avoid speaking. Give them the opportunity to show you or tell you about anything they want.
• Take each of your children on a date once a week or twice a month. Take them away from the rest of the family and avoid buying them things.
• Once a month hang out with your teen in their room if they’ll let you. Knock on their door, ask if now is a good time to hang out, and avoid any discouraging or negative talk. Just be with them and let them do most of the talking.

Want more great ideas? Read my articles at http://www.CooperativeKids.com

Parents Confusing Kids: They say don't tattle but you better report problems to us

I spoke with a New York reporter today who was working on a story about the mixed messages adults send children about not tattling, yet they want their children to bring problems to the adults attention. On one hand, adults encourage children to “tell mommy when something is wrong,” and then on the other hand, mommy yells at little Johnny when he follows through and complains about something his sister is doing down the hall. Is this a mixed message? You bet. I encourage parents to remove “tattling” from their vocabulary and don’t bring any attention to it. A child should be encouraged to always bring something they see as a problem to the caregiver’s attention because the child has to develop the sense as to whether something needs an adult’s attention or not. This will be developed over time through the healthy experience of interacting with the adult in reporting a problem. This means that every time a child brings a problem to the adult, the adult should remain calm and acknowledge the problem by saying something like, “really?” “wow!” ”how did that happen?” “what will you do now?” In that initial engagement, the parent should assess whether the problem being presented is all that serious and to avoid running in there to rescue or scold a child if it is not necessary. If the child reports that “a man is climbing in through the window into my room,” then by all means, the adult should take action. But if the child is reporting that “my sister won’t play with me,” the child should then get problem-solving coaching from the parent. This is where the adult might say things like, “what do you think you could do so your sister will play with you?” or “how does it make you feel when she won’t play with you?” The first response begins the process of using coaching skills to help the child solve his or her own problem. The second response begins the process of helping the child develop his or her emotional intelligence; assessing how things that happen around them trigger feelings. Too many parents are walking around with invisible magic wands, ready to solve their child’s problems for them to “make the world fair” and keep things efficient. Parents do this because they feel guilty for not having more time to spend with their children or because the other parent doesn’t live with them anymore. So their response is to always be there to “make everything all better” for the child because it seems to keep the child happy and it makes the adult feel better as well. It’s time that parents begin raising CAPABLE children, not happy children. Read more at my Web site www.StopTheTantrums.com and follow me at http://twitter.com/billcorbett99.

Raising Olivia

It’s Christmas day and I’ve got a few minutes when everyone at our house is busy. I have a soon-to-be twelve year-old stepdaughter and I’m enjoying raising her and having the opportunity to influence her in so many positive ways. I’ve been Olivia’s step dad since she was 8 years old. My own children are grown and all in their twenties, leading productive lives. I’m getting to do it all over again and I love it. The Christmas gift that seems to have been the biggest hit was the knee-high sneakers we got her. You know, those black canvas things with the white rubber soles. She’s got them all laced up and has had them on since we opened gifts this morning (they looked the best with her pajamas and bathrobe. It’s been wonderful this morning, watching her be a little girl once again, a nice break from the regular hormonal rages and her regular disdain for wanting to be with her mother and I. It seems like just yesterday, she was 9 and collecting Webkins. No more. One day back then, she approached us and asked if she could have some legos. We gladly complied with her request because it was something that wasn’t electronic or had a video screen attached to it, and required her to use her creative self. But it didn’t take long before I would notice her building a castle with legos one minute and then trying on dresses in front of her mirror a few minutes later. She’ll be twelve in just a few weeks and the legos are long gone. Instead, her room has been repainted to a lime-green and purple color scheme and she now dons clothing that could have been worn by a character in one of Tim Burton’s movies (Beetle Juice, Edward Scissor Hands, or Nightmare Before Christmas). My favorite (not) is her ”truck driver” look; jeans, moonwalker boots, a guitar hero t-shirt, a vest, sunglasses, and one of the cheap, mesh baseball caps that you usually see the work TEAMSTERS airbrushed on it. Her mother and I continue to bite our tongue as she develops her identity and we continue to give our business to the local thrift clothing stores.

Her two older brothers will be here soon (18 and 22), arriving from their father’s apartment for an overnight visit. Soon after that, my wife and I will begin to hear the groans of victory and defeat coming from the rec room downstairs as the three of them practice their eye-hand coordination with Mario on the Wii. My wife and I will also notice a familiar transformation; Olivia’s voice will change slightly, she will talk to us differently, and her mannerisms will morph as she emulates her brothers. It’s her way of bonding and connecting with them. We have learned to ignore it and not take this temporary change personal. It’s been a while since I went over the “house rules” with all three of them to help the boys transition to our home, so I’ll make a note to do that just as a refresher. I don’t expect to get much response except quiet acknowledgements from the boys and rolling eyes from Olivia. Someone once said that raising teenagers is like trying to nail jello to a tree. The secret is your patience when it slips to the ground. Follow me: WEB SITE - TWITTER - FACEBOOK.

Kids, Computers, and Porn

A mom called me for help this week. It seems that her 9-year-old son and some of his friends were playing on her computer (with her permission) and visited a viral porn Web site. When mom went on the computer that evening, the porn pop ups wouldn’t stop and the graphics were XXX and outrageous. She called an IT shop to come and fix the virus problem but was concerned about the sex acts her son had been exposed to. Her question to me was, what should she tell her son about what he saw and his inappropriate surfing that most likely pulled in the virus. I told her that it was a good time to have a male family member have ”the talk” with him, even though she wanted to wait until he was ten. I also told her that she should have a few words with him, calmly, about rules for surfing the Web and how viruses can cause problems on the computer. The bottom line though, was that it was not his fault for surfing the Web and there should have been measures in place to keep him safe. I asked her a question, “if she had left a loaded gun on the kitchen table and her son was home alone, would she have yelled at or punished him if he used the gun to shoot out the windows?” We are responsible for our children and cannot fault them if they do something that was driven by their curiosity or exploration. I advised this mother that children should NOT be left unattended on the Internet. This access should be supervised and limited. There are many affordable programs out there (see Software 4 Parents) that parents can purchase to monitor the use of the computer and Internet, and others that filter out the inappropriate Web sites. She went on to advise me that she allows her son to play an interactive Web-based game that enables him to play with and communicate with other boys. I asked her to consider the fact that some of those “other boys” could be pedophiles masquerading as children, and for her to look for other ways for him to have fun and be creative.
Our children are curious little explorers. Because of this, we must take the necessary measures to keep them safe, monitor where they go and take notice of what they do! Get more help on setting boundaries and limits at www.StopTheTantrums.com.